12.23.08 - Second to One

Location: Redwall Cavern Hole

Characters Involved: Sivaine, Nathan

Waiting for Sivaine has ended up with Nathan stretched out on one of the large armchairs, feet up on a footstool and upper body twisted just slightly to one side. His jacket is draped over the back of the chair and he has a cushion serving as a pillow, ears back, blond bangs in front of his face. The fire has died down to just glowing embers and that's the only light available here at this hour.

That took.. quite a bit longer than it should have, and took quite a bit out of her. Practicality dictates Sivaine should be in bed, given how early she's been rising, but something pulls her downstairs, taking the steps in a mechanical fashion. The mousemaid notes the jacket with tired eyes and trails over, cloak trailing just above the floor. Such good work Gwennythe did, and how well her sister knows her. And.. then there's him. She pauses by the armrest and studies Nathan for a long minute, expression tender and sad. Then she huffs and turns her head away.

Nathan doesn't stir. He's not deep asleep, but somewhere between wakefulness and proper slumber. Left like this it would deepen enough to last the night. His breath comes slow, chest slowly rising and falling, his narrow tail draped over an arm of the chair and the tip giving slight twitches.

She should be sleeping, but she's not. She shouldn't be here, but she is. She shouldn't turn back to look at him but she does, and murmurs quietly, "'And you'll get there too late or never. Perhaps you're the girl who should have had him?'" It's a quote from something; she lowers her eyes and utters a little self-deprecating 'heh.' "..heh." Those bangs are bothering her. She reaches out. Hesitates.

One of Nathan's ears gives a slight flick, as if he hears her; but he doesn't wake.

"Except I remember. ..that's the problem. That, and she's not the witch's daughter with a nose as long as her face." Maybe she's talking to herself, or to him - Sivaine certainly doesn't care at this hour. She gently brushes his bangs back, expression sad. "Why didn't you /wait./" Her eyes close briefly.

Nathan's muzzle gives a slight twitch in reaction. The releases a sound, a very low sound like the breath he exhales is wanting, deep down, to form words - but doesn't. His eyes open. It's dark.

Sivaine huffs a sigh, eyes still closed. "..I loved you," she admits in a quiet murmur. "I really, really- damn it." Her hand withdraws.

His voice slithers through the dark between them. "... that's good to know."

"Oh." Her voice flinches back. "..you're awake."

His eyes are half-shut. She's just a shape in the dark, and Nathan's hand extends to that shape, fumbling with his fingers and catching her lightly by the bend of her arm. "... hi."

Sivaine draws a shuddering breath and bows her head, ears wilting. "... hi," she chokes.

"Siva," Nathan says on an exhale, giving her a slight tug, "come here.."

Sivaine does so wordlessly, drawing forward in the darkness.

"I'd have worn it for another year," she says when she's close.

Nathan's hands move to her waist, and he pulls Sivaine slowly in to rest against his chest. He doesn't change his position except a subtle shift as she settles, and he whispers in a tone scratchy from sleep, "This time... I'll wait forever."

"... well. I'll wait until I start to go gray," he amends, and yawns. "Then I must be wed and continue the family line. And. Mmhm." It's kind of biting humor, this.

"Hnnh." It's a whine, and though she leans against him she also draws her knees up, doubling around his arms. "Didn't you already do that," she manages, closer to a cool murmur.

"Half of it," he responds, hand finding its way up to pet her ear. "I got married. She died. No kids, no continuation." He exhales slowly. "... but my parents are dead too now. So there's no one to preach that nonsense at me."

Sivaine's head lowers. "You still smell like summer," she murmurs faintly. "The one you had hanging on your arm, then, or another?"

Sivaine says, "I don't even remember her name. Don't think I learned it."

"Katrine," Nathan says sourly; it puts a bad taste in his mouth. "... that was her name. Then there was .. Aislinn. And a string of others..." He swallows, a little tightly, and turns his muzzle against her hair. "I don't know what they wanted. What they saw. I was a wreck. My heart was in pieces and the pieces were pieces."

He holds his eyes shut, breathing in and then out. "... I married Vanessa. And my father died and then she died and. I just. ... I left."

Sivaine's hand reaches up and curls round his collar, gently brushing his cheek. "Well. You were a good catch." It hurts to say. "Don't suppose I can blame them. ..much. Heh. Nnh. I'd have- I wasn't-" Her mouth is a quavery little line, her breathing careful and shallow. "I don't know how it turned out like.. this."

Nathan is silent, just breathing. It overlaps her rhythm and joins it until his voice cuts through again. "... the day after the funeral, I just... I left. I think.. I guess maybe..." His voice is small, barely heard. "... maybe this is all I wanted ever. To wander like you wander and.. for this to happen, you know?"

"To stumble in on midwinter and-" Sivaine can't get the rest out; she inhales sharply. "I'd have stayed. I- we had to go, but if there was some way I would have.. I would have. I would. ... You wanted me to," she whispers. "..you wanted me." Moisture pricks at the corners of her eyes and she turns her face into his chest.

"I asked you. I .. okay. Ask is not the right term, I... I distinctly remember being on my knees." He bites his lip but smiles, and turns his face, kissing the side of hers. "... I. Wanted you, Siva. More than anything."

This is too much. That desperate little whine escapes Sivaine's throat and in a few repetitions ia a hitching sob, while she shifts slightly and twines her arms around Nathan's neck, hands pressed flat between his shoulders, and just. Clings. "I would have. I would. I was going to, I'd- Aunt Peh was /happy,/ it would have worked, I'd spoken to Mother, I never took it /off../"

"... and I was stupid," Nathan says, a simple note of misery in his tone. "I was. ... so stupid. I ruined everything, didn't I?" He chuckles, shaking his head, curling his arms fully around her waist as Sivaine clings onto him. "... I'll get you another. You want another? ... I'll get you another necklace, Siva."

"I don't want another," Sivaine muffles tearfully. "I wanted that one, the one you gave me the first time. The one I.." Threw away. She inhales raggedly; her voice is small and plaintive. "I just want the first time. I just want.. It was /perfect,/ Nathan. You were everything I ever wanted, you.. you were perfect."

Sivaine says, "And now I'm all wrong."

".. well. I guess ... which would you rather?" he asks in a very careful tone, fingers absently brushing up and down her belly, following one edge of the cloak. "Second time or no time at all?" He pauses, breathes in the scent of her hair. "... you may be 'all wrong' but you're .. you're just. All that's /right/ for /me/..."

Sivaine doesn't answer. Not at first. Then she raises her head, her muzzle bumping the underside of his chin, and looks at him; her fur is mussed and tear-stained. "Of /course/ I'd rather, Nathan, I.." She closes her eyes and breathes in. "..I'm confused." A sigh, shoulders slumping, and she dares to look at him again.

Nathan's fingertips trace just beneath one eye, lightly, and he collects moisture from there. "What's confusing? I mean .. it's four seasons later than it should have been, but. Damn it. ... I loved you too." His voice is soft, just an outward breath; a draft in a room no one is aware of. "... you were everything. You /are/."

"... everything," he finishes.

"I.." Sivaine's features soften at the touch and a second tear follows the first that soaks into his fingertip, but she won't look at him. "Nathan," she whispers, lingering on each syllable. "Nathan. ... Nathan." The last is barely more than a breath. She falls silent for a moment, then draws a deep breath. "What do you think I've been doing those four seasons." Forcing the words out.

He chuckles; he can't help it. It's low and ironic. "I /hope/ .. not falling in love with anyone else," he murmurs. "... because then I will certainly be in trouble for holding you like this."

"..hah," is all Sivaine says to that. There's only the black residue of humor in it.

"Siva," he says lightly. "... what have you been doing?"

"Stabbing owls and getting in trouble," Sivaine replies grimly. "A lot of trouble." Her hands go limp and retreat a bit from his back. "I.. well. You, uh." Cough. "You've met Harper."

"Heh, yes. He told me a bit about the owl .. though I sense a story there which I fully intend to coax out of you, at some point." He chuckles as he says this, fatigue in his tone.

"I'm an /idiot./ That's the short version. ..of everything." Sivaine winces and butts her forehead against his collarbone. "I thought I'd never /see/ you again."

"... well, tada?" he says wryly. "Siva. ... out with it. Whatever it is, it's probably tame anyway."

"'Tada' indeed," Sivaine mutters. "You'd think someone was /writing/ this." She stills for a moment, then starts to speak. "Look, I didn't- when I did that to my arm, he was.. /there,/ and then he kissed me and he was.. there." Her head bows in defeat.

Sivaine says, "I never gave him a proper answer. I just didn't bite him."

Sivaine says, "..I'm sorry."

Nathan's brows inch upward. "Wait. .. who." He blinks a little with a puzzled noise, a little sound that carries on the next exhale. "Harper?"

"Mmmnfrgl." Grumblemutter.

Nathan absently rubs at her back, his ears back, brows furrowed. "... oh."

".. well. Heh. ... wow, I /kissed/ you in front of him," the mouse recalls.

Sivaine says, "..what did you do." It's a familiar tone. "..apart from what I was present for."

"Funny that," Sivaine mutters dryly. "You're not the first."

"Wait, what? I didn't /do/ anything. Except, you know." Nathan nearly laughs. ".. I went two damn days not knowing /he/ was after .. well. My girl. Or I was after his?" He's not sure which, but his hold doesn't lessen. "... you've been doing a lot of kissing lately, have you?"

A little bit of tension flows out of Sivaine's shoulders, as if that was exactly what she was afraid of - him moving away. "I have /not,/" she's quick to object. "I've /been/ kissed. We talked about this, didn't we? No, I yelled at Aunt Peh. You know I don't do things like that."

"Aha. Okay. There's a difference. I don't care so much who's kissed you, Siva.. or tried, heh." Nathan pauses, considers. "... just about the ones you wanted, I guess. I mean. Okay... Harper. You talked to him? After I left?"

"Right, well, you don't have to worry about the other one. At all." Sivaine nearly rolls her eyes, then shakes her head and shifts slightly in Nathan's arms until she's comfortable, leaning her head against his chest again. "I talked to him," she confirms, twitching her toes. "He.." What's the word. "I don't even know."

"He what," Nathan prompts her.

"Hunh." Sivaine has to think about this for a moment.

Nathan waits, patient and nearly dozing.

"..well. Say the word and he'll stand aside," Sivaine says. "Well. I say the word."

"But you. ... haven't," Nathan muses. There's silence, then, ".. why haven't you?"

"..because it's been two days to four seasons," comes the quiet answer after a pause. "Four seasons and.. you married her." It's unfair of her, but Sivaine still winces at the thought shoulders hunching. "I've been up to the Broadstream and twice as far again, Moril and Mother are gone, I've- Nathan, I've had to use his halberd. Really use it, not just practice. It's different. Some things are different. And I don't.." She closes her eyes and mutters miserably, "..I don't ever want to feel like that again."

Now Nathan pushes one hand against the arm of the chair, sitting up somewhat, and Sivaine ends up in his lap. His ears are back, eyes narrowed questioningly. "... I had no choice. I .. hn. You're going to hold it against me, aren't you?"

Oof. Sivaine's paws slip and fold in her lap, fingers curling slightly. "No. I don't want to."

"Then don't," Nathan says gruffly, his arms around her hips. He tugs Sivaine against his chest while repositioning to sit straighter, using the chair like it should be used. "It was after you left, it was... Siva. I know. I know it's been an age and a half. But I'm not /leaving/ .. and I'm not letting you walk away either. There's nothing tying us down this time. We're not .. not... /kids/ anymore."

"There's not. We're not. I'm trying," Sivaine admits in a quiet murmur, finding her chin resting on the line of his collarbone. Her eyes close briefly. "What have you been doing all this time?" She gazes at his hands around her waist, eyes half shut. "..no ring."

"No. No ring," he affirms, eyes half-open, expression hesitant. There's no smile for now but his gaze is gentle, affectionate. "... well," he answers her question, after a moment, "you left.. I was married. My father died, I took over the shop. Officially, instead of just working there and abiding his rules. And... well since I left I've just been cutting back and forth across the country. No adventures really. No owl-killing anyway."

The corner of Sivaine's mouth twitches back at the mention of marriage. She utters a little 'nrr' and presses her nose into his fur. "You know they're only called adventures after you've forgotten the soggy waist-high bracken and biting flies," she replies, but the snark is muted by sleep and.. well, everything else. "Just.. drifting, then. Did you like it as much as you thought you would?"

"I .. love it. Second to one," Nathan says, very softly.

There is.. a long silence. Sivaine closes her eyes and settles against him with a little sigh.

"... difference between you and me, Siva?" Nathan murmurs a little wistfully, breaking that silence carefully. "You say 'loved' and it's past tense. You're the one who left. /Twice/. ... but I never stopped. I /never/. .. stopped."

Nathan keeps his eyes shut, voice a little wavery now. "... you trust me, right?"

Sivaine's ears fold back. "I di-" She starts, then bites her lip and just breathes for a span of time. "I came back. I-" This isn't working. She squeezes her eyes shut. "I want to," she exhales. "I could. Yes."

Gently he kisses her temple, her ear. "I'm sorry .. that sounded abrupt. I just mean that..." He pauses, breath coming careful and slowly, chest moving against the girl he has cradled to his front. "... Siva. I guess I hurt you too much for you to ever look back. And I have /no/ idea if you.. if you're just. Tolerating my nonsense. But I /loved/ you and I still do. It never went away. I..." He trails off, sighs. He looks tired, and the last words come on a tiny murmur, hardly forming a sound. "I promise."

"Stay." Sivaine lays her hand on his arm; it slides up to his shoulder, and then her arms are around his neck again. "Just stay." Her breath comes in a sigh. "Just.. I know. You said you would. I know. So stay. Please. I.." She makes a little 'nf' sound; how is she still awake? Her eyes are only half-open, and barely focused. "... ..it wouldn't still hurt," she mumbles, "if it was just past tense."

Nathan draws a breath; then lets it out. It ruffles her hair and he says nothing, but a little sad smile twitches up the corners of his mouth. His lips press lightly to Sivaine's jaw. It's not even fully a kiss, just contact, and outward breath. She can feel the smile.

A tiny sigh, and though rueful and hesitant, a tiny little curve to her muzzle as she tilts her head in slightly to Nathan's touch. "I could have lunch with you tomorrow," Sivaine mumbles, studying the fabric of his shirt through flickering lashes.

Sivaine says, "I think I could do that."

Nathan is silent for another moment, serious. He reaches to brush across her nape with his fingers. "... do I have to ask the big guy's permission?"

"The wh'?" Sivaine is very, very tired, and this is close to the most comfortable she's been in quite some time. "N'n. S'just lunch."

"..fine, that's a lie, but. Fnrfl."

"Your tyrant. .. I mena trainer," Nathan says with a dozy smile. "... mmm, you know. For a moment I thought /he/ was my competition..." His ears flick and he mumbles into her neck, "Damn. Go to sleep or you'll likely pass out halfway through the first lap," he advises her. There's a pause. "... who needs a bunk room anyway."

"Oh. Him. No. No, no. No. No. Hah. Hnh." The last is a grunt of amusement. Sivaine shifts, tucking her knees up and flexing her toes sleepily. There's blanket enough in the warm swath of her cloak, spread out over the two of them. "Wake me up wh'n th'novices start rising?"

Nathan leans back, twists a little. His muzzle stretches open in a yawn and he settles into less of a 'sit' position, more sprawled out on the big chair like he was when she found him. "Mmhmm," he responds, eyes shut. "... yeah. Hey Siva?" The mouse's arms are snugly encircling Sivaine's lower back.

Sivaine isn't even trying to keep her eyes open anymore. She rests her head on Nathan's shoulder, breath warm on the side of his neck. "Wh'."

Nathan draws his muzzle just slightly back, and angles it to smooch at her mouth. That's it. He doesn't say anything.

Sivaine's lips follow the kiss for a second after it ends, with a sleepy little hum. "Mm."

A similar noise comes from Nathan, very soft, and he settles back. One hand scoops up to the back of Sivaine's head, fingertips stroking her hair, encouraging her cheek against his collarbone after the kiss. Steady, slow breaths cause his chest to rise and fall as he finally dozes off.