What if I'm not cut out to be a Novice? (IC RWA log: Dec. 5th, 2020)

BlisaMarshmellow · 2020-12-05 06:50:42 PM

SCENE: Redwall Abbey, Great Hall

CHARACTERS: Xander, a male badger. DoraRose, a female mouse.

LOG:
Xander sits in the great hall, stareing at the fireplace after he just palced a new log in it.He has been failry quiet the past few days

DoraRose has just gotten off duty on the walltops and is now headed towards the kitchen. She has on her black outfit of boots, leggings, and tunic, but she has added a burgundy sweater, an orange hat and mittens, and a green scarf, with her mottled green/brown cloak over everything. She slows when she sees the badger, and she stops, holding out her mittens to the fire. "It's getting colder by the day out there," she says conversationally.

Xander shrugs as he shows he heard her and then looks over at her "Well..is basically winter suppose or in like couple weeks"

DoraRose looks at him, a little concerned. "Are you okay, Xander? You've seemed awfully quiet the past few days." She moves a little closer to the fire, taking off her mittens, which dangle from strings that go into her sleeves.

Xander shrugs slowly "I don't know...I have been doing my chores, I mean....a couple are a little more brothersome but it's fine...tis just..."He frowns "Kind of wonder if I should even still be a novice, maybe it was a misstake"

DoraRose tilts her head a little as she listens. "What makes you think it was a mistake, Xander?" She sits on the hearth, soaking up the heat of the flames.

Xander says, "Well...novices are suppose ta be calm...not show...anger and I did, I had a reason to and I almost...could of..let my anger get out of control and I felt an urge to ..use a weapon on this wildcat...ya know hunt him down but...I didn't. Someone else did and...the wildcat is still out thar somewhere"

DoraRose raises an eyebrow. "Who says Novices and Order members can't show anger? If you had a reason to be angry, such as your family being in danger, then I see your anger as justified. The difference between a member of Redwall's Order and a Warrior like myself is that Order members don't attack unless they or others are actively in danger....which, if I recall correctly, is permitted by the charter."

Xander frowns "I..don't know who all knows...bout wot happen at Brock Hall..though likely heard Gorvenalus was missing for a day and half think was"

DoraRose shakes her head. "I don't know what happened. Why don't you tell me?" She takes off her hat, getting warmer as she sits by the fire.

Xander nods "He is fine now. The wildcat is Zoltar he showed up at Brockhall briefly...just a couple days and then he left...but he left with Gorvenalus. I managed to get the others back and let someone know...and Patch had seen them with Gorvenalus so he went to ..I believe Matilda"

DoraRose nods slowly. "And you got angry because your family and friends were in danger. Seems pretty reasonable to me. I'm sure even Krisha was angry...y'know, Xander, in the histories it talks about Redwallers standing up and defending themselves when the Abbey was under attack. They were Novices and Order members, just like you, yet they chose to fight because they were being threatened. I don't see how you being angry and wanting to attack this wildcat is any different."

Xander shakes his head "But...and I think I could of easyly...slain Zoltar even without a weapon but..."He frowns "He thethen ta..kill them and later he said he would kill Gorvenalus if anyone followed him and I was worried, but as said Gorvenalus is back home and safe...and didn't seem hurt. The wildcat did hurt Krisha...and I did try to attack him once but..."He snorts "My bad leg decided to give out...then again maybe it was a good thing..I dont know"He frowns "Brother Gorvenalus told the cat to take him and not harm anyone...and the cat did and it could of easyly went anoher direction and maybe Zoltar would of been like...no..cause Zoltar even threated to burn the place down"

DoraRose sighs. "Xander, it's natural to be angry when those you care about is in danger. I don't think you did anything wrong. And you can't just turn off your old Warrior ways like you would blow out a candle. It takes time." She thinks for a moment while she takes off her cloak and scarf. "Have you spoken to Krisha and Benar about this?"

Xander shakes his head "No..I...haven't...Gorvenalus spoke to me a little bit..but..."He sighs "I can't disapoint....and yeah it is hard to, niot think like a warrior I suppose..its stil..thar, I have yet to reallly, fully anyways, step down as leader of Mossflower Defenders even if it is a small sort of slightly unorgainzed group tis still important to have around."

"What do you mean you can't disappoint? You'll always disappoint someone, Xander. That is just the way life is. What matters is that you do what you believe is the right thing." Dora drapes her cloak over her lap like a blanket and turns her back to the fire, giving Xander a look. "And doing the right thing is something I think you do very well. This worry about what others think can only cause you problems and stress, Xander. It is good to think about our actions to make sure we don't hurt others, but trying to make sure we keep everybeast happy with us will only lead to ruin."
The Gatekeeper shrugs. "I have given up trying to make beasts pleased with me, and it frees me up to do what I think is right. Benar sometimes doesn't like it, but I am a Warrior. I don't see myself ever settling down to the pacifistic ways of the Abbey Order. And perhaps that is as it should be since it allows me to defend my home when the time arises. Your path will look different, but it is necessary for you to not be trying to please everyone around you."

Xander sighs "I..had thought of joining the order even before my..injuries and poisoning"

DoraRose smooths a wrinkle on her cloak. "What was your reasoning, Xander? I don't think I ever heard it."

Xander tilts his head "Reasoning..for wot? Jioning de ...order?" He hmmms "I...guess..I don't really know maybe it was a bad idea..but also to be home at the abbey more and..sometimes warrior life can get crazy"He frowns "I nearly died...like literally gates..seen martin and could of easyly went threw and it..scared me and I didnt like being scared and not knowing what was to happen. I mean I was in...some sort of dark fog for a while...and even after I woke from my coma..I couldnt move....I was told I could likely never walk again but..I can walk...I mean I do need the cane if its any distance and I can stand without the cane for a short while...in fact my whole right side is all...messed up, my right paw will shake once in a while a little bit or my leg feels numb at times"

"I can see how frightening that is. I think I would probably go crazy if I was in your place." DoraRose thinks for a minute before she gently says, "If you want to continue to work towards being a Brother of Redwall, then you should. And you obviously can't be a Warrior anymore -- you would put all your friends in danger in a fight. But could there perhaps be another path you could take? Be a resident at Redwall, but not join the order? That's the way my grandmother, Angela, has chosen. She is no Warrior, but she is not confined to the rules of the Order, either. I'm not saying that is the type of path you should take. I just wonder if perhaps you would do well to think on it."

Xander says, "I dont know...just figured..Brother be...good choice, right? I know my grandfather joined the order"

DoraRose smiles. "There are always multiple good choices, but the best one isn't necessarily the first one we think of. And you aren't your grandfather." She shakes her head. "It's your choice, though. I think you should talk to others, such as Benar and Krisha, and maybe even those who aren't in the Abbey, such as Blisa or maybe even....wait, no, not Patch. I wouldn't trust his advice on anything." The mouse stands and drapes her cloak over a chair. "But get advice from a variety of beasts. Then you may find making the /best/ decision is a little easier." She heads to the kitchen. "I'm getting us some tea. Be right back."

Xander chuckles "Patch said I..wasnt cut out for novice life"

DoraRose snorts as she returns with a full teapot and 2 beakers. "Well, maybe Patch is right. Only you can tell for sure." She sets the tray with the tea down on a table. "Zork had some trouble adjusting, too, but he found his place. You could follow in his footsteps and become a Brother, but, again, you aren't your grandfather. You are you, and so you have to make the best choice for yourself that you can." She hands him a beaker of tea, then sits down, curls up in the chair, and sniffs the steam wafting up from her own cup.

Xander takes the cup and smiles "Thanks....and...I just know I ...I cant be a warrior anymore.....any other skills are I can make things out of clay and I can cook...should likely learn a new craft of some sort. I like the ..order thiough the not harm and the help others."

DoraRose nods. "As do I. But I know that being a Warrior is part of who I am. Then again, I haven't had such a terrible injury as you have." She looks at him. "Could you follow the ways of the Charter without pledging yourself to it as an Order member?" She sips her tea. "I could teach you how to sew. That's an incredibly helpful skill to have in general, actually."

Xander shrugs "I...could still but no clue wot ta do really...just I could still..."He shrugs "Slip up..I still have anger at times , even when I am doing something normal like I was unable to move a table..so I got mad and screamed and scared a couple novice and I didnt mean to."

DoraRose thinks as she sips more of her tea. "Have you tried all the tricks you've been taught, like meditation? Maybe you still have hurt from....well, everything that's happened." Like Jedrick, and Zinnia dying, she refrains from adding. "I find writing in my diary helpful. Helps me get my thoughts out without scaring anybeast."

Xander says, "Medatation is.....odd, and its hard to find quiet or you do and then its too quiet. I mean I know Uncle Oz did it or so he aid..maybe he didnt and just said he did, I dont know. I just trusted he did"

DoraRose shrugs. "I've never really tried it much, myself, so I can't say. I would recommend journaling. Maybe it'll help you sort out your thoughts and find out why you're angry so much. That can help conquer it."

Xander asks, "a journal? But wot would I...write on? I dont do much anymore...I do think a lot at times on ...like why this or that""
DoraRose continues sipping her tea. "You'd write on your thoughts and feelings and memories, and how things that happen make you feel. Turn to writing in a journal when you're angry, and you may find out why you're angry. I find it's like my anger flows through my arm into my pen and into the words on the page, and after a little bit I'm not angry anymore because it all got put on the page."

Xander nods "Maybe, I just dont know...maybe there is...where would I get one from, to start a jornal?"

DoraRose waves a paw. "Oh, just get a blank book. I'm sure Gorvenalus could give you one. That's easy. You'll have to write in it diligently for a few months before you get in the hang of it. But then it really might become helpful for you."

Xander manages a small..smile "Yeah...I may ask and could help one never...knows. Maybe help with fears too that have had...or..nightmares"

That gets Dora's attention. "Nightmares? What kind of nightmares?" She gets a little more comfortable and covers her lap with her cloak. "It's common for Warriors to be haunted by nightmares. Most just don't talk about it."

Xander frowns, he had not ment for that to come out ..."Its been a while....not told any beast at all, not even Krisha...stll oddly of...Kurgun...one had him and Jedrick of all beasts but all the rest were just....him or Kurgun and like some small cloakless....beasts who laugh but its far from a happy laugh and..."He frowns and seems to sort of unfocus as he thinks to much of the dream and shakes his head as if to clear it, mutters to himself how it is fine...its fine....a small shiver and his good eye is closed.

DoraRose frowns and sets her tea down. "What do you do when wake up from those nightmares?" She recognizes all those names and isn't surprised that they would haunt his dreams.

Xander frowns "I just...take a few deep breaths or just see....I am ok and in the abbey" He frowns "One time woke in middle of the night and..."He sighs "I woke Krisha slightly cause I ...I took her pulse cause of a bad dream, she asked wot I was doing and I said...nothing just ajusting the blanket and...then I went back to sleep for least a little while befoe it was time to be up anyways"

DoraRose shakes her head. "You need to tell Krisha. I know that telling Leon about my nightmares was one of the major things that helped me be free from them."

Xander says, "Wot....did he do? Did it make him worry? I...dont really want to worry anyone and ...well nightmares have been off on...more so since got my recent inujury and stuff and no I didnt tell anyone at Salamanstrong either...I know Zolomon asked me once if I was ok and...I was just quiet , then was quiet a lot suppose till the ..you andf the others got back from the island, knowing you all was alive ..helped some or least for the one dream.."He frowns " It was bad...not that the others arnt either but...the one dream had ...the ship sank and everyone died and the water had a face that laughed and..then I would wake up shakeing"

"Leon supported me. He held me when I woke up screaming. He listened as I told him, and..." This is hard for DoraRose to say. Even though it has been seasons since her husband died, the pain still stings. But she presses on, if only to honour his memory. "He was just there for me. Like I believe Krisha would be for you. "You have got to stop worrying about making sure others are happy with you and tell Krisha about these nightmares. They will only get worse if you keep them as secrets."

Xander says, "I...rather they not get worse but...just..maybe I can tell her later or in couple days"

DoraRose hesitates. "You should tell her as soon as possible, Xander. Don't wait. Please just trust me." She looks at the floor. She looks like she wants to say more, but she's also hesitant to. So instead she says, "Tell her. She'll probably be more upset about you waiting to tell her than she will about anything else."

Xander frowns "I..."He still seems unsure and unwilling, a deep breath "Alright...fine I will...talk to her after dinner"

~*END*~

But will Xander keep his word? Stay tuned to find out?

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#1 2020-12-05 06:50:42 PM

What if I'm not cut out to be a Novice? (IC RWA log: Dec. 5th, 2020)

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